A wise man once noted that there are two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. Our forefathers tried to assure us of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” but the government does not pursue my happiness with the same vigor that the Internal Revenue Service pursues my taxes.

I think there should be federal agencies that promote happiness. Here are some of the new agencies I have come up with:
The Internal Dating Service: Statistically, who knows more about where all the right women (or men) are than the federal government? There must be places in the U.S. where the ratio of women to men is 2:1. Why is this a secret? If I was not happily married, I would want to know where these women are. Using government statistics, I could type in a few key words, and there would pop up 10 or 20 places in the U.S. where my ideal mate would be.

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When I lived in the country one summer an ad for a local dating service would come on the radio every time I drove around.

“But I’m as pretty and interesting and nice as my friends. Why am I single?” a petulant voice would say. Then an announcer would cut in and tell her to go to speed-shuffle date night; her friends would soon be choking with envy, he’d imply, and each time I’d think, ‘Yeah, right.’

Okay, she existed in drive-time and was doomed to lament her situation every 15 minutes, but that wasn’t what made me doubt that she was heading toward paired happiness. It was the question. She was asking the wrong one.

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